Worries

What keeps you up at night worrying? Are your worries realistic? Is there anything you can do about them?

At night I worry about what feels like everything. I worry about a lot. One of the things that I worry about the most is death. To be completely honest, I fear it. You don’t know when its coning, or if it will painful, or slow, tragic or anything else. I want to do a lot before that time comes. I want to finish school, travel the world, find a job that I love, get married, possibly have kids, etc. I also fear what happens after death. Yes, I believe in God and Heaven, but it still frightens me. I’m scared that its just going to be blankness. I have panic attacks about it all the time. Just writing this makes me feel like I’m going to have one. It just bothers me so much. I also worry about things that i have done. I freak out about bad things that i have done or arguments that i have gotten into. I think about the other things that I could have said or how things might have turned out differently. How different relationships could have been different. I know that I have hurt someone and I have been hurt a number of times. Things would definitely be different if things would have turned out in another way. I think about that a lot actually. What would happen if I were to sit down with every single one of the and talk about what happened? I really want do that even if it is a bad idea. Which for a few I know for a fact would be a bad idea. I just feel like I owe that to them and myself as well. I worry about people too sometimes. I worry about people that I’m close to I know their stories and they have been through a lot in their lies so far. They are really strong and I admire them for that. I don’t know why i worry about them, I just do. I also worry about if my friends secretly can’t stand me. I think that I worry about that because I am insecure. I know that I can be really annoying and needy, but I don’t think that they would dislike me for it. After all, they are my friends for a reason. I think that some of my worries are realistic, but some are not. Yea, I can do something about my worries. I can learn to accept death, its a part of life, it happens to everyone. All I can do is live my life and stay strong in my beliefs. I can’t do anything to change the past, so I shouldn’t worry about it. The past is the past so leave it there. I shouldn’t worry about my friends, they accept and like me the way I am. Past relationships are probably better left alone, unless the other person is ready to talk about things as well.

Religion

What are your views on religion?

That is a really good question. I’ve heard that question a lot in the past year. I think that religion is something that people find comfort in. It’s unifying and healing, but can separate and harm at the same time. That is something that I find fascinating. So many people are bought together by religion. On the other hand there are a few things that I do not understand. People in the church are very judgmental. I’m not saying that all of them are, but there is a majority that are. Aren’t Christians supposed to be accepting of all people and shy away from judging others? God loves all of his children no matter what they have done, skin color, gender, sexual it and the list goes on. So, since he loves all of his children, shouldn’t we accept one another no matter what? Romans 14:3-5 says ” Let not him who eats despise him who does not eat, and let not him who does not eat judge him who eats; for God has received him. Who are you to judge another’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand.” To me that means that you should accept those that are different from you. You should accept them because you are not one to judge. You are not perfect, so why judge someone for their faults when you have faults of your own? The bottom line is that your opinion does not matter, because the only opinion that matters is God’s. Roman 2:11 says ” For there is no partiality with God.” That means that God is not biased. Partiality means unfair bias, in favor of one thing or person compared with another; favoritism. Therefore, God does not discriminate. Since, those are the words of the bible which is of your belief, why judge others? Because “…for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things” (Romans 2:1). If those quotes are clearly written in the bible, then why are non – heterosexual people not allowed in some churches and judged by “Christians”? I just do not understand it. It’s because people are ignorant, prejudiced, reluctant to change and in my opinion twist the words of the Bible. That is one thing that I do not like. In no way am I judging anyone that thinks in that way, but I just don’t get it. What have these people ever done to you? What are they doing that bothers you so much? Oh, they love someone of the same gender? Big deal, just let them be happy and live their lives the way that they want to, without any unneeded judgment from you. I believe that people should be able to live their lives without added stress from people who do not lead the same life, but that is not the world we live in.

” Forgiving someone that has hurt you to your very core is very difficult and emotional.  One might think that it isn’t worth it, but trust me you will feel much better afterwards. Hating them is a waste of your energy and it gives them power. It gives them power over you and your life. You do everything in your power to avoid them and that gets to be too much after a while. Forgiving them will relieve you of that burden. Once that burden is gone you will be happier and feel lighter, I know that I do. ” – Kaila Dumas

Oozing worlds and abandoned buildings

LEXIQUETTE

  ONCE upon a time, I rang this artist’s doorbell for an interview, only to be greeted with the standard double kiss and a very modest: “I haven’t really timed my day well and we need to go pick up my laundry”. So off we went, lugging back a rucksack big enough to fit a child in and a plastic bag with drenched clothes, result of the typical broken drying machine. Daily chores completed, I was ushered through his living space/studio apartment as we made our way to the building’s series of outdoor balconies and fire escapes that merged into a 3-storey central courtyard. This infrastructure, neglected by most Montreal landlords, had been entirely invaded by artists. Tags, throw-ups, murals, dingy couches and sealed-off doors covered every inch of available surface.

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Death is not the greatest loss in life; the greatest loss is what dies inside while you’re still alive.

So for the first time in my life I got straight C’s on my report card. My mom calls me and tells me and says ” It’s no walk in the park for me to pay for you to go to this school. I don’t pay all this money for you to bring back C’s.” I totally understand your frustration, but do you think that I don’t know that? Yes, I know its hard to pay for school, but do you really think that I aimed for C’s? It makes me mad that you talk to me in a manner that insinuates that I intentionally got C’s. You know that that is not the case. I don’t understand why parents do that. Yes, your upset, but does that give you the right to make me feel like shit, no it doesn’t. That whole I can do this because I’m an adult/grown/your parent is bullshit. I don’t care how someone is. To get respect you have to give it. It’s funny, they way that older people tell younger people that all the time, but don’t abide by it by any means. They go by the “Do it because I told you so and don’t question me” moto. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Man, I hate when she does that. 

Slut Shaming

Slut shaming. That’s an interesting concept. What is slut shaming? It is a concept in sexuality. It is a neologism used to describe the act of making a person, especially a woman, feel guilty or inferior for certain sexual behaviors or desires that deviate from traditional or orthodox gender expectations, or that which may be considered to be contrary to natural or religious law. Looking back on my life so far, I have slut shamed in the past, which I am not proud of, but I have become cognizant of the fact and try to not make those kinds of statements anymore. Someone else’s sexual orientation or habits are none of your business, unless it involves you, which in most situations it does not. Most people slut shame from things that they have heard about someone but do not really know for a fact. For example ” Oh, that girl has had 3 boyfriend in the last 6 months she is such a slut.” or ” She has had premarital sex, she’s so immoral.” Some of the things that people say make me scratch my head and say “What the hell?” It really bothers me because I know people that have been slut shamed as well as myself and it sucks. You are doing something for yourself that is not hurting anyone and you are getting judged for it. It also bothers me because I have been taken advantage of sexually and it feels like an extra slap in the face. I do not understand why it is a thing to begin with. Since when was it cool, to judge other people for their sexual habits and unfortunate things that have happened to them? Someone please tell me. I am tired of hearing the excuse of ” the way that she was dressed was the reason why she was raped” or “she was a slut anyway” or anything along those lines. Its stupid and pointless and I hate it. 

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Sometimes I get bored at my desk and I decide to take pictures. Sometimes the pictures are great and sometimes they’re bad, but this time I guess I got lucky.

2 am

I do not understand why people think that creating drama is necessary. It is 2 o’clock in the morning and you’re already starting drama. My mom always tells me that ” a person that runs back and tells someone what another person said about them is a shit starter”. I wish people would learn that. If people did not go back and tell people what was said about them, half of the drama that we deal with would not exist. I just do not get it. Gesh. You are in college, I know that you’re smart so you use your head. I understand that there are always going to be people that are acting stupidly, but it is really annoying. I’m so done with living in this building, five more weeks and I don’t have to see these people until the end of August. 

Hard Things to Bare

I just told a room full of people that I was raped for the first time. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.